Happy Birthday . . . oh wait

So today should be my dad's 56th birtday but-thanks to the cancer-he never made it past his 52nd birthday. Again thanks to the cancer, his final 3 birthdays sucked. For his 50th he learned he had cancer. For his 51st he learned his cancer was back. For 52nd he was dying.

January 5 will mark the 4th anniversary. FOUR YEARS . . . four years without my daddy.

Muses

I have around ten stories that swirl around in my head. At this moment, four of them want to be written right now. I try to start one but another catches my attention. Plus I am learning it's hard me to work on the computer. I am a lot more free flowing with just good old fashion pen and paper. I guess that's what I am going to do or at least try to do. I just don't know which story to work on.

Love is watching someone die

I have been thinking about my dad a lot today. I keep thinking about all the moments we'll never have. He will never walk me down the aisle. We will never dance at my wedding reception. I loved dancing with my dad. I picked out the song we would dance to when I was 12. It was something I really looked forward to. The last time I can remember dancing with him was at my 16th birthday. We danced to Butterfly Kisses. I hate that song. I hated it then, I hate it even more now.

It's not fair! I still need him! I need him . . .

It's been too long

It's been almost a month since I last posted and this one is not going to be long.

All I really want to say is that I am going to live like I use to dream . . . starting today.

Woohoo stress!

I am a bad bad blogger! I can't believe I haven't blog since wednesday. Actually, I can believe it because my life has been a whirlwind the last couple of days. Well, I finally applied for an apartment. It seems like a dream come true . . . that's the problem, it feels too good to be true. Hopefully, I am just being cynical and it will turn out to truly be wonderful. Say lots of prayers for me. I told my friend before we even walked in the leasing office that maybe this is God's blessing for us. I just have to keep thinking that way.

Now we are just waiting to find out if we are approved (fingers crossed). Then we have to get renters insurance and electricity before we can even move in to our apartment. Plus, we need internet and we want cable so we are having to research the cost of those things. I thought looking for an apartment was stressful and exhausting but it was nothing compare to actually moving in to an apartment. I spent more time on apartment stuff the past few days than I have on my homework (pretty bad considering I have for papers coming up). If my friend and I are still on speaking terms when all this is over, it will be a miracle (love ya, babe).

One good thing is I have a lot of positive people in my life who are totally on my team. I am learning that not many people have this luxury :(

Cause you gotta have faith

I am determined that this post will be happier than the others. I know most of my posting are me whining about something. I most seem like a very depressed person. The truth is mostly I am a positive, upbeat person and I'm pretty content with my life. Even when I am down, it doesn't take much for me to get back up. It's just easier for me to write angry or sad than happy. I use this blog as an outlet and I really don't feel the need to vent my happy emotions.

My overall positivity is thanks to my faith in God. He keeps me from worrying and I believe that with Him all things are possible. I truly believe that if He wants me to have something (i.e. job, apartment), then nothing can keep me from getting it. When I don't get something I've been praying for, I believe it's because God has something better in store for me. I am back in school thanks to God. I have financial aid thanks to God. He is my financial aid. My student loan has finally come through thanks to God. I know - it's not even a belief for me anymore but a fact - I know God has an apartment set aside for me. I know God has a job waiting on me. I know God will allow me to do well in my classes, even French. I know God has a job waiting on my best friend. I believe everything happpens for a reason. Everything happens according to God's plan.

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of." John 10:10 (The Message) This is the key to my happiness. I believe God has bigger dreams for me than I could ever imagine. This says a lot because being a dreamer is what I do best. I believe God has big dreams for you, too.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (New King James Version)
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Light at the end of the tunnel

I almost forgot to post today! I really don't have much to post about. It was just a typical monday. I didn't get a chance to call my manager about my job. It took me an extra hour to get home today because of a traffic accident. Grrr! Luckily, I won't have to deal with the commute much longer. With a little luck and a lot of prayer, I should have an apartment by the end of the week! Well, that will be all for today. I have another long day of classes tomorrow.

School and work

I spent most of the day catching up on homework. Most of it was reading but it was A LOT of reading. I read about feminism and women studies. I read french. I read about how to understand reading french literature. I read about Ramses II. Finally, I read select poems by Anne Bradstreet and the life of Jonathon Edwards. What's on the agenda for tomorrow? More reading.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not schedule to work at all next week. Yeah, I found that out yesterday at work. I don't know what that means, whether or not I still have a job. I can't talk to anyone who knows anything about scheduling until tomorrow. Truthfully, I don't care if I have a job or not. It was killing me juggling school, homework, work, and the commute. I could use a break until I get settled into my apartment and school routine. I'll find out tomorrow what's going on.

Last night was awesome

Omg, I never blogged yesterday! I feel really guilty about it. I think I am going to blame Frances. She did tell me I couldn't blog when we got back from the concert. Truthfully, I didn't put up much of a fight.

You might be wondering who we saw in concert. Bobby Long! We got to the bar where he was playing geekishly early but it worked out because we were right in front of the stage. Then it seemed to take forever for anyone to start singing. The whole time we waited the DJ was playing some mostly horrible music. Finally, the band came out. They were a local group and they were pretty awesome themselves. They even had a cello player in the band which gave me have mad respect for the band. My only problem when they were playing was the audience, especially the group of women celebrating one woman's bacherlorette party. Of course, they end up right next to me. The worse member of the party was a woman in her fifties. She kept yelling at the lead singer like he belonged to her. At one point, she actually expected him to hold on starting a song so she could take a picture of him. She kept bumping against me and throwing her bleached mullet all over me. Thankfully, as soon as the first band was done, the bacherlorette party left.

Then came Bobby. He didn't disappoint on any level. He looked yummy. His accent made me melt. His music moved my soul.

Ending the week on a high note

Super happy, I was let off of work early today. I actually had a chance to unwind and enjoy myself. I got paid today. I only have one class tomorrow and I don't work. Plus, I'm going to see Bobby Long in concert!

No time

This week is killing me. I don't even have time to blog. I don't have any free time for myself. Very depressing. Hopefully my hours at work will drop back next week and my loan will come through in a week or two.

gonna be a short one

I am exhausted. I have been going none stop since 6:45 am. I am going to crash & burn.

Parlez-vous francais?

I was pretty down most of the day. I think all the stress of travel, school, work and cramped living is getting to me. Plus, my french class today was painful. I was too exhausted when I got home today to do anything (i.e. study french). I have to do it tomorrow. I just hope I can find time in my ridiculous schedule to take advantage of the language lab and tutors. At least tomorrow classes should all be stuff I can handle. Maybe that's my real problem with French. I think it's the only subject I've ever truly struggled with. To make matters worse I have terrible study habits. Guess I'll just have to try and make a change. I thought about dropping the class but there is nothing I can replace it with and I'll just have to take it over. Let's just pray that I'll wake up tomorrow and miraculously be fluent in french! Well, I need to get some kind of sleep.

School tomorrow

Well, I don't have much time to blog today. It was a LONG day at work and I have to wake up early for classes. I'm going to be commuting into atlanta everyday. It's a little ridiculous. I need an apartment asap. I'm about ready to move into a cardboard box if it's close to campus and work. Just have to convince my roommate that a cardboard box wouldn't be a bad idea. Thanks to school and work, I don't know when I'll be able to get with her to look at apartments. I feel a little trapped in my situation. Hopefully, it all work out. At least that's what all the "adults" in my life keep telling me but they never actually say how to make it work out. Anyway I'm going to sleep now. Good night

I'm giving today a B

Well, today was an adventure of sorts. I road the marta to work today. My first time on it all by myself. I'm actually becoming an adult. Truthfully, I was freaking out to begin with. Coming from a small town, I grew up hearing horror stories of the train station and the big city. Then, as I parked my car at the marta station, I saw this little old lady headed in and I thought if she can do it I can definitely do it. About half way to my destination, I realize how ridiculously not a big deal it is to ride on the marta. I mean I rode around on cramped NY city subways with out incident and those make the marta look like a kiddie ride at the mall. Overall, I ended up enjoying my ride on the marta. The best part was on the way back my brain jumped to a scene from How to Be when Art is riding the train and I couldn't stop grinning. I know everyone around me must have thought I was some kind of freak or moron sitting there smiling at the walls.

Work WAS a roller coaster ride. The work itself was pretty good. I only had one or two mishaps. Spoke to lots of cute guys. Then trouble struck as I was leaving. I had to fill out a sheet showing when I was available to work. Now on my application form I wrote out the schedule I could work. When I was interviewed, the assistant manager look over that schedule, made a note of it on her papers and didn't have any problem with when I would be able to work. Well, a different person is over my division at work and I had to fill out the sheet for her. She wanted to hassle me when I turned it in to her. She doesn't like that I can't work until 10pm (never mind that I have at least a 45 minute commute which the assistant manager knows about). She also doesn't like that I can't work mondays or much on tuesdays. I'm not really upset with her. What upsets me is I wasn't told from the beginning that my schedule would be a problem. If it was a problem, they shouldn't have hired me. It just irks me that I was up front and honest from the beginning and yet I'm being punished due to a lack of communication between management. I really don't know how long I'm going to have a job.

To end with a lighter note, I have to say thank you Kristen Stewart and those like her for making it okay to wear sneaks with dress clothes. My first two days of work, I wore dressy shoes to go with my out fit and they literally ate the back of my ankle. Today I wore sassy sneaks with my pin striped pants and my feet were so happy. Plus, I thought I looked totally cute in the outfit. I don't know if I'll ever go back to dress shoes.

Feeling cramped

This blog is an exercise in self-discipline and commitment for me. I have never been one to keep a diary or journal or anything close. If I can keep this up I think it will be good for me.

I am so need my own space desperately! I currently share a room with my two nieces, who are 5 and 7. Little girls who want to be in on whatever I'm doing. I love them with everything in me but I still need me time. Doesn't everyone? I know I'll be here for at least another two weeks. I don't know if I will make it.

New jobbie job

Today was my second day at my new job. Starting to get some confidence. Starting to not feel like a complete moron. I just have to keep comparing it to my last job. If I can handle 15 screaming kids on my own, I can tackle anything. I need more self assurance. Then I wouldn't get so rattled when I know a customer is impatient or second guess myself when my manager is standing over me. I just worry so much about making a mistake that I ask a lot of questions and it makes me look incompetent. I know I should just be pleased that I have a job. Thankful that I work in a place that I actually enjoy . . . if I didn't have to start in the middle of their crunch period. I guess I just have to wait it out. I'm just hoping I'll still have a job when the wait is through.

I can name two positives from my job: 1) I am meeting new people 2) I am getting out the house so now I'm not as stir crazy as I use to be. I just thought of a third, I actually have something to talk about.

On the other hand, I am failing back into my old bad habits. I don't know what it's so hard for me to let my personality show from the beginning. My manager called me timid today and the worse part is I know it's true. Ironic how just a few weeks ago, when I entered the building with my best friend as a customer, I shushed for being too boisterous. I am a very loud, passionate, funny, sassy, intelligent, strong person . . . when I get comfortable around you. Until then I am quiet, timid, unsure of myself. Plus, it can take a ridiculously long time for me to get comfortable around someone. I have to say the more willing a person is to get to know me, the easier it is for to become comfortable with them. I guess the problem is that I automatically assume the other person couldn't be interested in anything I have to say. Or it could be the fear that when I do let them glimpse the real me, they won't understand. Both of which have been proven before. Sigh

So sleepy

I have made a rule for myself that I am going to post every day. Unfortunately, today was my first day at a new job so I am exhausted. I will write something deep and profound tomorrow.

Also, I am bummed I didn't get to see the comets . . . stupid clouds!!

The beginning

Or the rebeginning . . .

I am scared. I will be restarting my college career on monday. While most of my friends have already graduated or beginning graduate school, I am only in my sophomore year . . . still.

I started off like most people. The fall after I graduating highschool, I started at West GA. After 3 semesters, I still had a 3.4 GPA. I even enjoyed school for the most part. School was never the problem, it was my life outside of school that was living hell. My dad had cancer. He was in and out treatments, surgery, hospitals. He almost die several times. After two grueling years battling cancer, he did die. I happened only 15 days before my 20th birthday.

For a while, I stopped living. Life without dad didn't seem possible. It still doesn't seem possible. Sometimes I realize how much time has past and it shocks me. Finally, God dragged me out of my deep dark hole. Still, I wasn't ready to go back to school. I had this . . . HAVE this irrational fear that going back to school is going to cost me someone I love dearly. The only thing that got me over this fear was spending year and a half at the job from hell and knowing the only way out was to return to school.

Now, I have quit my job from hell. I have moved to a new city, away from most of the people I love. I have nothing to distract me from my irrational fear and all I know is it's too late to turn back.

I need to reconnect with God to get some faith back into and some perfect love to cast out fear. The problem with me is what I know I need to do and what I actually end up doing are usually two totally different things.